Listen, I want to be explicit about what I think good looks like

We need to work out a feedback loop.
First, you don't want to talk about outcomes right now. you just want to be explicit about, you know, what's the goal or should this work.
You get in sync with the other person, you do not want to talk about the other's bad or other's good
Then you move to the next part of the conversation, you talk about your experience. You're trying to bring transparency into your confusion.
Then you're trying to figure out the other person(s) experience
Now you look at the differences between the standards you look upon and what actually happen, and the gap between these two things is the gap of performance. It is the feedback you're trying to deliver.
You're having a conversation about how you want to help them
Let's figure out why the bad outcome happen.
Be explicit about the standards, norms you're comparing to
Work out your own confusion about that expectation and figure out what the other person was experiencing
Then move to the "gap in performance"
in other words...

1. you're being very explicit about what you need somebody else to know,
2 .you're being open minded about what you could be missing
3. you're conducting the feedback in a way the other person feel enlisted
* First you work out that the other person knows what you know: what's the goal and your experience*
* Second you get in sync on what the reality was
* Third you look at the gap between those two
It's not an accusation, it's an attempt at discovering what is true.

We all have expectations, consciously or not. When these do not match with our current situation, we make a "narrative" to try to explain what's wrong with us, other people or life and the world in general.

When it happens, we often search for the "guilty" person or stuff. At these moments, we fail to realize that we're caught up in confusion and need a feedback loop.